I'm hard on myself. You?

Hi I’m Jessie, and I am extremely hard on myself. If I had to name one trait of mine that is my biggest strength and my biggest weakness, this would probably be it. Because I am hard on myself, I am incredibly determined. Giving up is not an option (I honestly don’t even really understand what that means). When I set out to do something (fully), I accomplish it. Because I am hard on myself, when I don’t do my best, I don’t let it go. When something doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I tend to take it personally. When people don’t respond or show up how I would, I get upset. 


In Landmark (a program I did a few years ago), they call it a “strong suit”. It’s a trait that you learn from a young age that has helped you get far in life, AND sometimes holds you back. (What’s yours? You probably have a few!)


Yesterday I had a weird day. A day of somewhat random self-doubt, annoyance/frustration, and feeling not good enough all over the place. I say random because - there’s no specific incidence that triggered it, no one said anything mean, I’m not failing at anything big…just kind of random. Or perhaps an accumulation of little things. And through the process of being a little off balance, I learned some things. 


1) I have a natural ability or instinct to be tough on myself, and push myself. That is something I can either protest, or accept. 


2) This “hard on myself” trait does not define me. As in, it is not ME, it is simply a trait that I have. It comes up from time to time, and occasionally takes over and makes me upset, but ultimately, I get to decide how I look at this trait. It can be awful, or it can be useful. Through this, I found gratitude. 


3) If I weren’t so hard on myself, I would not be the teacher and facilitator I am today, and forever growing. There is no way I would be able to break things down so specifically, and care deeply about how people are understanding it. If I weren’t so hard on myself, I would not be so hard on my students and they would experience less growth. This trait is incredibly useful. 


Today, it hurt me. But I love it no less. And what’s more so, is I love myself no less. 


If it weren’t for my fears, my insecurities, my breakdowns, I wouldn’t have nearly as much to share with you all. I wouldn’t be able to speak authentically, and from experience. I have lots more to go, but today, I am grateful for these moments of self-doubt, self-disgust even, so that I can step through them and encourage others to do the same. 


And tomorrow, is a new day. I get to give myself grace, and trust that I will continue growing (because trust me, I will). 


How do you handle those feisty characteristics? 

Xo

I'm not doing enough...

Insecurities are these crazy things. They are anxieties or uncertainties about ourselves, that become influential in the way we see ourselves, and therefore in who we become. Which, without further investigation, already seems pretty insane. Why would we let an uncertainty dictate who we decide to be? And yet, we do. 


Insecurities are actually quite smart. They know that, because humans are intelligent and strong, the only way they are going to survive is if they have evidence that proves them right. In other words, humans are going to simply move past the uncertainty, if proven otherwise. So, insecurities are on a mission, to prove that they are worth listening to. They are on a mission to disprove evidence that shows they are not real. They are on a mission to stay alive. 


Put in everyday language, an insecurity such as, “I am not thin enough”, begins to take over the human that it occupies. It begins to hunt for evidence that proves that the human is not thin enough. So every time a date rejects them, they add it to their list of evidence. Every time an item of clothing is too small (regardless of the size), they add it to their list of evidence. Soon, this insecurity gets so powerful, that it simply becomes true to the human. And once it’s “true”, everything is seen through that lens. 


Where this gets even more twisted, is now, the human that occupies this insecurity, is hooked on it. As in, because it is continually being proven, it needs to continue to be true, or else the human will lose it’s understanding of reality. So, even if it’s not true, as in clothing fits and looks fine, the human will begin to morph reality to fit this insecurity-filled-truth. So, they might sabotage a date, or they might actually gain weight in order to be “not thin enough”. The insecurity staying in control may seem like a bad thing, but see, with the insecurity in control, the human GETS to be right about how fat they are. They GET to be safe. They GET to BLAME the “truth” of the insecurity, for the reason to why they are not happy, or successful, or in love, etc. The insecurity grabs all the power, and therefore the human doesn’t have to take responsibility for it. 


Phew. 


Sometimes, this happens really dramatically. Most often, it happens subtly, constantly, with small insecurities here and there. 


Lately, I’ve been struggling with a fun one. It’s name is, “I’m not doing enough.” This particular insecurity is sneaky, because it’s just a branch of my usual “I’m not good enough”, but it’s taken on a particular costume, making sure that I am constantly stressed about not working hard enough. Now, you’d think a thought like this would make me work harder. And, in some ways, it does. But let’s look beneath the surface here. What really happens is I work in a way that serves to prove to me that I’m not doing enough. 


For instance, this week, I’m beginning a new class that I am hosting myself. It’s a little scary because I am the only one responsible for if anyone shows up, and how it goes. It is a big step for me personally, it is something I am very excited about, but is also something that gets me afraid of not being good enough. So, enter insecurity. I see, or have seen, over the years, evidence that proves to me (or my insecurity) that I am not doing enough. Evidence such as, I am not as financially prosperous as I’d like to be (therefore I am not doing enough), or I am not as reputable/marketable as I’d like to be (therefore I am not doing enough), etc. So because of this existing evidence, and the truthfulness I feel (deep down) about this insecurity - it has power. 


My first class is on Wednesday, so on Monday, I felt a little pang of fear about the class. I realized, OMG! I haven’t choreographed or prepared or advertised, ah!! It’s going to fail! After a brief meditation and journal session, I realized, oh right, my insecurity “I’m not doing enough” is looking to prove itself right again. So it’s hoping I don’t do enough, and my class goes poorly, so that I can strengthen this negative belief. If I hadn’t caught it, I might have procrastinated until the last minute, proving to myself that I surely am NOT DOING ENOUGH. 


Luckily, I caught it, and have spent the past few days excited about creating these classes, and, about stepping out of that insecurity. But, it’s easy to see how these sneaky beliefs pull us down. It’s easy to get hooked on them! And live in the land of fear + proving the fear right. It becomes a vicious circle. And even if it’s subtle, it causes us suffering, little by little, and it exacerbates the fear so that other steps and other changes in life get difficult as well. 


It’s funny, I was thinking of writing about this concept, before I saw it really concretely happening in my life. So, I encourage you to take this concept on. What does it really mean to you that insecurities look for evidence as proof of their truth? Let it soak in. Acknowledge that insecurities like validation, and then start to notice where you may be embodying this cycle.


The good news is - you get to choose. Do you want to prove your insecurities right? Or do you want to stand for your SELF. You don’t have to BE your insecurities. Start to step out of them. 


Xo

Everything is FOR you

For the last 11 weeks, I have been hosting my first very own 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training program. I spent about a year and a half writing the 400 page manual, creating the syllabus, and planning and prepping. On Sunday, I had 13 students graduate, and become yoga teachers. To say I’m proud doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. 


What was particularly special was not the fact that they can now teach yoga, although that was and is SO exciting, but that I think they really got what this yoga thing is. They understand how to apply it to their life, and to live it. They understand how to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. In fact, by the end of the weekend, they so powerfully reminded me of something I had taught them throughout the training, that I feel compelled to share it here. 


Everything is FOR you


This is a concept I talk about a lot. I believe this is fundamental and essential to self-growth in any way, because as soon as you can start to see things as lessons, or eye openers, or challenges that help you grow in some way, the whole world shifts. My teacher trainees impressed me by coming back to this throughout the program. One women shared about how it felt like they could not fail during my training, simply because of this frame of reference. Because if they did, “fail”, it was seen as a learning opportunity, which felt safe, supported, and growth oriented. 


So how can we take that into our lives? Because truly, life can be just the same.


Well, yesterday, this concept was really present for me, so I shared it with my morning class. (If you’re a yoga teacher or a life coach, you know that, whenever you share something, that something always comes back to you!) So of course, when I finished class, I checked my phone and saw that I had a cancellation for my upcoming Take It Off Yoga Retreat experience. I’ve had various people interested over the last month or so, but only one sign up. And there she went. This was followed by a meeting with a student that was going to enroll, who also shared that she is not quite sure about signing up. That, in addition to having a lower-than-normal crowd for my upcoming Info Night, woke me up. 


Now, I will admit I was a little sad and fearful about these cancellations, among other things that hit me throughout the day. However, I quickly came into the lens of everything is for me. I knew the answer wasn’t to get upset and worried, try to fix things, or get hasty and make any decisions. The answer was to step back, and listen. What is this trying to tell me?, I asked. What about my energy needs to shift? Or what decisions or changes do I need to be open to? How can I create what I want, authentically and powerfully? These shifts are not for me to get upset by, or get held back by. Rather, these shifts are an opportunity for me to check in. 


Now, I go to work. I journal, I meditate, I open myself up to receive. AND, I keep working towards what I’m building - my retreat. I’ve already uncovered some really big discoveries, and I know I have more to go. That is my mission this week.


In the meantime, if you haven’t already, it’s time you check out my retreats. Take It Off is a brand that I created after being sick of fears and insecurities holding me back, and finally seeing how to rise above the grip they had on me. I did a nude photoshoot in nature one day about 2 years ago, and the power I felt from stepping through all those limiting beliefs was incredible. And the love I felt looking at my photos, and seeing myself as I truly am, for the first time ever, was life-changing. These retreats are about that. Changing lives. And not because your life is currently bad, but because you deserve to live a life you LOVE, in a body you LOVE. This retreat is about figuratively and literally taking off layers that weigh you down. This retreat is about getting to the roots of what hold you back from being fully you, and actually starting to get rid of them, so that you can embrace what you want and who you want to be in this life. Through the lens of seeing that everything is for you, this retreat is not an escape, but rather, an opportunity to look your fears in the face, and through love and responsibility, transcend them. 


Imagine what could be possible without the “I can’t do that, I’m not good enough,” story, or the one about how you have to look a certain way to get what you want, or perhaps, the one that says “no one will like me.” Without those stories ruling your subconscious life, you are unstoppable. 


As one of my beautiful teacher trainees shared, “I’m not a fool and think I’m invincible now, however, I feel a lot more comfortable knowing and acknowledging that mental blocks are a real thing, and no matter what they are, you’re capable of overcoming it, whatever it may be.” 




This week I’m listening for what’s there. What’s there for me to see. 


Are you? 


Xo 



Check out retreat info HERE.

If you’re interested in simply talking about this stuff in person, come to Info Night this Thursday (tomorrow) October 4, at 8:30 pm. RSVP by emailing me HERE, and I’ll send you the address. 

Being a human is hard.

So for the last few weeks I’ve felt kind of dull, lethargic. It’s subtle, and I’ve been doing all my normal stuff, but in the background of everything was a slight dull-ness. Waking up has been incredibly difficult. It’s like my sheets were 1000 lbs and I couldn’t muster up the strength to move them. I’ve been getting mad at myself for not waking up and being productive, and repeating the cycle over and over again. I’ve been feeling unproductive (despite working all the time), and simultaneously exhausted. Besides a personal yoga session here and there, the only real time I end up taking for myself is on days when I get home and I’m too exhausted to think, so I turn on Netflix, pour a glass of rosé, and order take out. After doing that I don’t wake up rejuvenated, but instead, I wake up feely guilt for not doing enough. 


Being the pretty self-aware human that I am, I’ve noticed this. I’ve been mostly pretty rational about it, “Ok Jessie, if you go to bed earlier, you can wake up earlier and not be so mad at yourself.’ Or, I remind myself I completed all my to-dos each day, so that I don’t stress about what I haven’t done. Etc. And yet, the feeling was still there. 


Monday it came to a T. I woke up at 8 am naturally, smiling, but then when I realized I’d have to get up and face my day, I went back to sleep. I knew I didn’t need to or want to, and yet I did. When I finally got up, I had severe menstrual cramps, so I laid on the couch, casually reading for a while. By 11 am, I was ready to walk my dog and step outside, and yet I was still feeling very down. I went home, meditated, lit some sage, had some food, and planned out my week. I then had a meeting with a lovely women who reminded me of why I love what I do, and how much passion I have for it. So much so that when I left I felt even more guilt for not doing more of what I love to do. If I love this so much, why am I waking up everyday dragging my feet? What’s stopping me? Why do I feel like I’m not enough, everywhere I look right now?


I called a friend, and a moment after she asked “how are you doing?” I was in tears. I didn’t even know why yet, but I knew I was fed up and frustrated. I realized that I have been so consumed with being better, doing better, being more successful, being more powerful, etc etc, that I’ve forgotten to acknowledge myself now. I’ve forgotten how far I’ve come! 


Now, not literally. Literally, in my rational brain, I’m aware of how much I’ve grown. I honor myself, and I know I’m worthy and powerful. But subtly, that not-good-enough mentality snuck in there, and was infesting everything I was doing. 


I’m here today to remind you it’s ok to be human. I had a friend and student say to me the other day, “but your blogs are always so put together!” after I told her that I struggle with the same things she was worried about, everyday. It’s hard, for me too, to remember that people don’t often show their humanity. I mean, you see the vulnerable posts on instagram, and your close friends might cry to you from time to time, but you don’t really see the scope of emotions and struggles every person goes through everyday. And that’s ok. Not everyone is going to show it (and not everyone is even aware it’s happening to them). But it’s important to remember that it IS happening. You are not alone. And in fact, if you can even see that you are going through something, you are ahead of the rest, because through awareness, change is possible. 



This week, I am working on loving my shadows. I am working on not beating myself up for making mistakes, and on cultivating my love for what I do. I am working on getting out of the feeling of “I should be better”, and into the feeling of, “I do better because I am better.” I love myself, and I actively work on maintaining that love everyday, even (or perhaps, especially) when it doesn’t come easily. 


Thank you for reading, for looking at yourselves, and for allowing me to be human. Embrace yourself in all your glory - the happiness, the upset, the productivity, the mess, the downfall, the rise, the full essence of you. Xo

Get Real

Caroline Myss says that all illness involves the throat chakra, the energetic center of authentic truth in the body. Myss describes herself as a medical intuitive: someone who can intuit, or acquire knowledge without proof, medical conditions in a person, simply by hearing their name or speaking to them briefly. She claims this “power” is not magic nor luck, but rather, it is something that can be taught. She actually has a system for how it works, and how to apply it. 


She breaks down the ways in which your energy contributes to the physical condition of your body. For instance, she claims that low back pain is usually attributed to money problems. In short, this is because the low back is part of the sacral chakra, which governs things like money, power, sex, pleasure, etc. Very commonly, therefore, stress in the financial realm, leads to low back tension or more serious problems. 


So why am I telling you this? Well, first of all, because it’s FASCINATING. (If you’re interested, go to www.myss.com, or purchase her book, “The Anatomy of the Spirit”, to get a more in-depth look at what she has to offer.) Second of all, because what this means is that, every time something is wrong in your physical being, it is related to your authenticity. And I think that’s worth looking at. 


The throat chakra, in short, is about communication and honesty. It is located in the throat (+ neck, jaw, mouth, etc). It is about expressing your thoughts and emotions, communicating them to others effectively, and being in integrity (as in, you do as you say). Perhaps the most important aspect of this is that, in order for it to function smoothly, you must be honest with yourself first. In order to authentically share with others, you must be able to admit it to you. 




When studying yourself, this can be really tricky because of all the things that influence your understanding of yourself. For instance, your family has an idea of who you are, and therefore every time they see you, they comment on how “you” you’re being, and that paints a picture in your head of what it means to be you. And here’s the tricky part, even if they are saying something pleasant, like, “you are such a good person” it can distort your vision of yourself. If you have a particular definition in your head of what it means to be a good person, and you know you’ve done things that aren’t in line with that, you’re going to start to dislike yourself in some way. You may even begin to hide those things, because, everyone (including yourself) thinks you are a good person, so you can’t be ok with those things about yourself. It then becomes increasingly difficult to be yourself, for fear of losing that label (or worse, getting another, negative label). 


Going forward, you may go as far as exaggerating, or even lying, about your actions, or it may be more subtle like, telling yourself you did something to help someone else, when really it was for your own personal gain, for example. But no matter how subtle, you’ve begun to taint the throat chakra energy. 


Now, before I go on, let me tell you: ALL of our chakras are tainted, out of balance, and being messed with all the time! So don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you’re bad, or wrong, or doomed. However, it is useful to be aware of because if every illness of the body is related to honesty, then being more aware of it will help keep you more healthy. (Yes, it will.) 



The other day, my friend shared something with me that I thought was interesting. He defined three types of gaining knowledge:

  1. learned knowledge: something that you’ve heard before, or read about, but don’t fully believe it, or live it. 

  2. understood knowledge (or the feeling of knowing): something that you’ve experienced and you so fully believe, that as soon as you see it, you need no further explanation or analyzation, you just get it. 

  3. mastered knowledge: something that you’ve learned, understood, practiced, and have mastery over. You automatically apply it without thinking.



I think this is particularly useful here. For instance, with this information of what it takes to be authentic, we have these three levels of knowledge. 1) We may have learned this, and see how we might be lying to ourselves, but we don’t totally believe that WE are doing it, nor that it is necessary to look at, so we don’t live it. 2) We’ve learned this, and we understand it. We know how to check ourselves and our intentions. We still catch ourselves after the fact from time to time, and realize we messed up and weren’t honest, but we understand that that’s what happened, and we know how to communicate it and clean it up. 3) We’ve mastered this. We are always 100% honest with our intentions and the way we communicate, without fear or hiding or questioning. We are practiced and fluent in this level of realness, even when it reflects badly on us. 


So, as always, we begin by becoming aware. If we can take in the information and begin to apply it to ourselves, we slowly become more and more authentic, simply by seeing. I invite you to incorporate this self-honesty into your life. It takes a desire to, and a willingness to see when you are not who you think you are. It’s tough, but once you get to the “understanding” phase, you get to really connect with yourself. You get to speak your truth more often than not, and even when you don’t, you get to discover that, and rekindle a deep honesty. And not to mention, the next time you get a sore throat, you can literally cure it by looking at the way your living in your voice, your truth, your authenticity. 


Get real. Allow yourself to heal from the inside out. 


Xo


Your Values are Your Values for a Reason

A few weeks ago I was listening to a podcast. In it, they were talking about happiness, and how often, we set ourselves up to be unhappy by going against our true values. For example, a hypothetical man stands for loyalty - he believes you do not cheat on your partner. This same hypothetical man is having an affair. He is very clearly acting in a way that directly goes against his values, and he is subtly telling himself that he can’t be trusted. His actions are proving to himself (and to others), that he is not capable or not good enough to show up for what he stands for. 


Now, I think this is a bit of an extreme example. When I first heard it, I very strongly agreed and understood what it was saying, but I didn’t feel it directly applied to me, or even those close to me, as I’d like to think we are at least a little more clear than that. However, this week it really resonated.


When I was younger, for example, I wasn’t totally aware of my values. I knew how I’d been raised, and I could loosely describe the things I believed, but I didn’t really know what they meant in real life, or what they meant to me personally. So I might have said, “I don’t care what people think,” when in reality, I only cared what people thought. Or, “I just want to love and understand others,” when in reality, I was so caught up in being loved and understood that I couldn’t see beyond that to others (at least not fully). The values were there, but they were buried. And because they were buried, it was almost easy to go against them. My fears and insecurities were directing me to do the things that were safe for my ego, but little did I know I was sabotaging my own love of myself, and my own strength. 


See, by acting in order to please others, or to impress others, or to be good enough for others, even though that’s not what I truly valued, not only was I constantly upset with myself, but I was consistently proving to myself that I can’t be trusted. So I was mad at myself, and then knew I couldn’t trust myself to do better, which then made me more mad, and etc etc. It’s like a rebellious teenager. After the 3rd time they tell you they’ll “never lie again,” you sort of get the picture that…they’re gonna lie again. So you no longer place trust in them, and perhaps you put structures in place to limit them, or to punish them. So I did the same to myself - I limited myself. I knew I couldn’t be trusted to handle the sticky situations, so I said, “just stay here Jessie! Don’t mess it up!” I secretly punished myself all the time. I knew I wasn’t showing up fully, and I hated it. 



This week, I’ve been feeling some of that from others. I’ve been handed a couple of passive aggressive comments, and some misplaced anger, that, upon reflection, I can see is in part from their dissatisfaction with themselves. So then of course, when it’s handed to me in that way, what do I do? Care about what others think. Get fearful they won’t like me. Blame. Judge. You name it, my heart and head went there, at least once. Do I stand for any of those things? Of course not. And those moments of going against what I stand for pretty quickly take me back into not trusting myself, even if they are fleeting, or only in my head.



So what can we do? I think the biggest thing is self-awareness. It takes time, commitment, and a real sense of courage to see that you are the one doing the thing you don’t like. So be patient - but once you see that you actually are acting in order to make others like you, (even though you stand for being yourself no matter what, for instance)… you’re WAY more free! Because now, you GET to choose based on who you are, rather than what you think they want. 

And then, when it happens to you, if you can choose to act in line with your values, instead of combatting against their lack of integrity, you become untouchable. Someone else’s upset doesn’t have to be yours.


After reflecting on this, I realized I wasn’t free of the rule. As in, it takes two to tango. As in, yes, comments directed at me were probably them acting out of their own fear, their own lack of self-trust. But why did it bother me? Well…hmm…oh yea…for the same reason! As quickly as I saw that, and took responsibility for my own self-conscious reaction, the dilemma almost disappeared instantly, and my ability to act in accordance with my values became effortless. 


I encourage you to take a look at what you stand for. What really matters to you? And notice, are you acting in line with that? And not to say that you should just switch your behaviors in the blink of an eye, because sometimes that ends with more upset and self-judgement. But allow yourself to see. And perhaps, via awareness, self-love, and a little discipline, you can start to create a reality in which you get to live in line with your values. A reality where you can truly be you. A reality where you trust yourself to stay true to yourself, no matter the circumstance. 


Xo

Mr. Fix It

A little over a decade ago, I got home from shopping, sometime around my birthday, and I was frustrated. I was a teenager, struggling with body image. I looked in the mirror, and hated what I saw. I remember saying to my mom, “I’m just not happy with my body.” We talked about it, and I decided that I was going to make a change. 

 

I’m not sure if it was just after that, but over the next 5 years or so, I went to work to make a change. I tried diets and exercise routines. I checked my body fat, weighed myself habitually, and looked constantly for ways to feel better about myself. My weight went up and down, I felt better sometimes, and much worse other times. I was proud of my dedication, but never proud of the results for very long. 

 

See, I did all of this under the context of needing to fix myself. The context of, “I’m not good enough now, so I need to make this change in order to be acceptable.” It’s not like that was the script going on in my head, but that was the underlying belief behind almost every choice I made. 

 

About 5 or 6 years later, I found myself in a yoga teacher training. And all of the sudden, I didn’t hate my body anymore. (I literally don’t even know what happened, but I started to somehow accept myself, via the beauty of yoga, and studying it’s teachings!). And all of the sudden, I didn’t feel ugly anymore. I didn’t look in the mirror and hate myself - AND, if I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, it didn’t destroy me. And what’s more is, I lost the weight I had been so concerned about…without trying at all. And what’s more is, my stomach problems completely disappeared.

 

I could go on about the benefits of this acceptance, but let’s get to the point. When I was acting from a place of this is broken and not good enough, I must fix it in order to be ok, it didn’t work. In fact, it often left me even more broken. But when I finally stood in the realm of I am whole, and beautiful, and always improving, it worked with very little effort. And, even when I wasn’t specifically losing weight or getting more fit (or whatever), I was still not broken. 

 

———

I learned this about 6 years ago. I understand it, and I use it in my life, daily. Acceptance. Acceptance does not mean complacency. Rather, acceptance means love. AND, you can accept something, and it not be okay with you, and that’s how you make a change. AND, if acceptance means love, love can create what you want. Acceptance AND growth are this magical duo, that work together to create beauty, peace, contentment. 

 

But of course, as life would have it, in the last week and a half, I discovered a new layer of it. I hit a new knot of tangled up “not good enough”s and “this is broken, I need to fix it”s. 

 

See, historically in my life, when someone has said to me, “accept yourself, you’re beautiful!”, or “be where you are, don’t be so hard on yourself,” my reaction was a polite smile, and an internal eye roll and mutter, hah! Hell no, I’m not accepting this! 

 

Now, before I go against that Jessie eye roll, let me just also voice that, I am incredibly grateful for this response. In many ways, it does mark my determination, and my drive to go further and be my best self in my life. However, there’s a line that I cross over sometimes. And that line is when desire to be better becomes, “you are broken”. That’s when I’m operating in the negative, not the positive. That’s when results are scarce, and emotions are devastating. 

 

In the last week, I found this Mr. Fix It tendency, everywhere. It’s way more subtle than it used to be, as it’s no longer as blunt as, “I don’t like myself, I must fix it.” It’s more like, 

“I don’t like not knowing about this part of my future, so I must decide it now” (not logical nor a good idea), 

or “It hurts me that you are unhappy, so I’m gonna fix it” (not from love, from fear), 

or “I’m scared you might hurt me, so I’m gonna make sure you don’t” (<—as if I can make someone do anything…). 

Anyway, I’m sharing these not to say, I’m a terrible person, because that would also be me trying to fix it (trust me, I tried that route :D). But rather, to share that, these are behavioral patterns that are coming from fear. Fear of things not being okay. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not knowing. 

 

Faith is about trusting that you will be okay no matter what happens. Faith is not about trusting that everything will go perfectly, or that you won’t get hurt. So it’s time for faith to get even deeper into my being. 

 

So here I am, telling you the thing that used to trigger me into a self-hate-filled reaction. 

 

BE WHERE YOU ARE. 

ACCEPT YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING YOU ARE, AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE NOT, RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.

 

AND THIS ONE.

 

AND THIS ONE. 

 

….

 

With the understanding that change is inevitable, and unfavorable circumstances are inevitable - we come to acceptance of what is. We come to a place of LOVE, for all things/people/happenings. We come to see the purpose in every step. And in that way, we get to live in gratitude. We get to live in acceptance of all moments, even the yucky ones. 

 

This week, I aim to find peace when I actually want to call in Mr. Fix It. I’m willing to not be where I want to be at this moment, in order to create what I need in the long run. 

 

Join me. Xo

 

 

PS - my recent video speaks to this a bit. Take a look if you'd like some inspiration for your self-discovery, self-acceptance. <3 

 

Hindsight is 20/20!...?

The other day, a friend said to me, “yes but, hindsight is 20/20.” I was telling her about a past event, where I knew better, and I felt I could have done better. She was using the term to remind me not to be so hard on myself. In other words, that of course now I can see how I could have done better, but it doesn’t mean I should have at the time, because, well, I couldn’t see it then. 

 

And while I agree with the concept, and I appreciate the comfort for my overly-critical-OCD personality, it got me thinking. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, which might imply that present sight (the opposite of hindsight), is blurry. So perhaps, at the moment something is happening, my vision is blurry, and therefore the decisions I make are less than precise. And I do think, in many cases, that is how it goes! You never truly know what you are going to get when you make a decision, especially a risky or scary one, so that makes sense. 

 

But also, you can often feel something deeper than that. For example, let’s look at two scenarios. 1) You make a smart decision based on all the information you currently have, and you believe it could possibly create the outcome you want, and…it doesn’t. 2) You make a smart decision based on all the information you currently have, but you feel this tugging at you. You feel a small voice inside of you saying, nuh uh, that’s not the one. But you go with it anyway because it feels good, or other people are counting on it, or it rationally makes the most sense and can’t rationalize any other choice, etc. And then, it doesn’t go the way you want. In scenario (2), you did actually know. And you chose to go against what you knew, deep down. 

 

 

 

A few weeks ago, my Ayurvedic healer-friend came in to my yoga teacher training program to do a lecture on Ayurveda. In the lecture he shared a quote that said something like, we use our willpower to go against our gut intuition. (You know, that moment when you look at the tub of ice cream, and you decide to finish it at midnight, even though everything inside of you is saying no!) We are different from animals, in that we have willpower - the ability to make decisions based on more than just instinct. And when we use that to go against our truth, we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are taking ourselves further away from ourselves. 

 

When we do that, when we use the power of choice to choose something that goes against what our truth is, we subtly tell ourselves that our truth isn’t worth listening to. And if we made a decision that we knew was bad when we made it, we end up so mad at ourselves for the outcome, instead of simply evaluating the situation and learning and growing. We build up anger, resentment, fear, and distrust for ourselves. 

 

So we can connect to this internal voice, this “gut intuition”. (By the way, I don’t particularly like that phrase because it tends to be overused and misused to portray things like psychic abilities, or emotional feelings, etc. By intuition here, I mean, the ability to use energy data to make decisions in the immediate moment (definition by Caroline Myss). The ability to trust yourself to do that.) 

 

There are times where you truly did not know, you made a decision, and it didn’t go well. And in that case, it’s important to use hindsight to look at the facts, evaluate what happened, and proceed with more knowledge and understanding, so that next time it will go smoother. And then there are times where you did know, deep down, and you chose to use your willpower to go against it. And in those moments, hindsight can still be useful, but in a different way. I think it becomes less about the circumstances, or the facts of what did or did not happen. And more about the fact that you knew and you ignored that knowing. Get better and better at catching the moments you know, but hide it within yourself. That way, you can actually choose in line with yourself, and what you know is right. You can actually use your willpower to enhance your power, rather than suffocate it.

 

Trust yourself. That voice is there to serve you. The tricky part is just to quiet down the noise of fear, other people’s voices, and habits, so that you can actually listen. Xo

Be Where You Are

I have been working on something, personally, over the last couple of weeks. I’ve shared a bit about it over the last few blogs; in short, it is sort of an imbalance with control. I tend to swing from two ends of the spectrum, on one end I over-control, I grab hold of the situation and try to make things happen the way I think is best. On the other end of the spectrum, I don’t trust myself so I try to pawn off responsibility by being a people pleaser (see last post!). Essentially, I either shut other people down in an effort to maintain control, or I shut myself down in an effort to avoid control. That is a gross generalization, but it is essentially what it happening. Both of these scenarios happen from a place of fear, from a place of worry that it things won’t go as planned, or rather - that if they don’t go as planned, I won’t be good enough. (That’s the limiting belief that still gets me sometimes!). So, I over control to make it good enough, or I let other people control it so I can tell myself it was good enough, but it wasn’t actually my doing. 

 

Phew. Heavy intro. 

 

So why is this important? I am very aware of these patterns within myself. So much so, that now I’m at the point where I see it happening while I’m doing it! I can’t always totally stop it, but I am aware. But the thing is, every time they come up, I get frustrated with myself for still being there. The problem lies in the fact that in order to “deal” with it, I approach it with the same control imbalanced mindset. This control thing is built in to my system. So, I either try to control myself so much so that I’m no longer imbalanced (which of course doesn’t work because add control to a control problem, and what do you have? Umm…more control.) Or, I try to let other people take care of it, whether by speaking to them directly, or just blindly trusting them. Which also, usually, doesn’t work, because it’s not actually my truth, it’s me pushing it away. 

 

Which brings me to my point. How do you actually let something go?

 

…..

 

Well, you just let it go. 

 

…..

 

 

That’s it.

 

Unfortunately so. The answer is, to simply let it go. The more you think about it, dissect it, and try to prevent it from happening, the more the same issue shows its nasty face. Sort of like, the more you massage and stretch an injury, the more aggravated it gets. Sometimes, the body needs to be trusted to do it’s own healing. 

 

Now, not to say that a deep awareness, an ability to direct your own habits and behaviors, and a willingness to push through uncomfortable patterns aren’t essential. They are! They absolutely are. 

 

AND

 

The acceptance of where you are is equally as important. 

 

So instead of trying to control your control problem… (if I had a hand-to-face emoji, it would go here), see the problem, and accept it. Accept it for all that it does FOR you, including showing you the pattern. And let go of the reins. Remind yourself that you are whole and complete as is, and increase your awareness around the pattern, without judgement. 

 

Be where you are. This self-development stuff is not about fixing, it’s about living. It’s about pushing yourself to be the best you can be, simply because you love yourself so much. It’s about full acceptance of ALL that is you, even the annoying stuff, and drive to be more authentic, and powerful. 

 

Xo

Breakthroughs come in all different shapes and sizes

This weekend, I confronted something I was avoiding. It was so subtle, that it has been so easy to ignore. Or, I’d look at it every once in a while, and do something small to address it, but then I’d let myself just go back to normal. What I confronted was my tendency to people please! 

 

Let’s clarify what people pleasing is. It is not simply being kind, or doing things to help others (although that is part of it). Rather, the term itself comes with some baggage. It really means, doing things for other people in order to get love, receive recognition, avoid conflict, or not take responsibility. People pleasing is different than being kind, because it comes at the expense of one’s authenticity, and often at the expense of taking care of oneself. It comes from fear of not being liked or not being good enough in some way, rather than from love. Not to say that people pleasers don’t care about the people they are helping, of course they do, it’s just that that’s not the root of the motive behind the action. 

 

Now, I’m not a huge people pleaser. I don’t have a terribly difficult time saying no to things, when I know I’d rather be doing something else, or need to prioritize my own health or life. I don’t often over-do-it on being nice, to make sure that someone likes me. And, I would say I am pretty freakin spectacular at communication. And yet…I got stuck in it. It was subtle and sneaky. I realized I was doing things for a friend, not because I totally wanted to, but because I felt like I couldn’t handle having the conversation around saying no. I was afraid our friendship wouldn’t stay peaceful, or I wouldn’t be able to explain myself clearly, or they would get hurt/upset. It was just in small ways, but I felt it building up in my voice with this person. I felt restricted, and we were starting to argue with each other anyway. 

 

Long story short, after sharing this with my friend, we had an argument, but all in all, it was great because we were able to understand each other on a deeper level. It was definitely not easy, but it was worth it, and I will be better about speaking up sooner next time. 

 

Then I found myself upset. And it took me about an hour or two to realize why I was upset. It was the people pleasing once again. By the next day, I was already so worried that if I didn’t people please, I wouldn’t be good enough. So investigated, what is that? Why do I think I won’t be good enough if I prioritize myself? And I looped back to an underlying belief I wrote about a few weeks ago: I won’t be loved unless I do better (if you’re interested, scroll to the post from June 13, 2018). This belief is just something that is a habit from past experiences. It is something that I have overcome in many ways, but it still triggers me from time to time. 

 

Well this weekend, it hit me big time. I woke up feeling heavy, upset, mad at myself mostly. I realized, in this case “do better” meant to show up for this relationship in as many ways as possible. And sometimes saying “no”, or doing something that I need for myself instead, felt like not showing up. According to this belief, that would mean I’m not doing better, and that would mean I’m no longer lovable. Uuf. 

 

What’s cool is that, I saw this all happening. And, for a period, I couldn’t step out of it yet. I just saw that I was triggered into this feeling again, I knew it wasn’t true, and yet I still felt shitty. And you know what? That was totally ok. Probably for the first time ever, I was ok with the fact that I wasn’t ok. I simply said to myself, “Ok Jessie, you’re triggered. You know this is not true, and you know you are doing the best you can. And you’re still triggered, and upset. And that’s ok.” And it wasn’t magical, and I didn’t snap out of it - I sat in it for a few hours. It slowly lifted off my shoulders. Now, I know exactly what it feels like, as I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve caught the trigger while it was happening (not after). 

 

So first of all - go me!

Second of all, I love this (even though it was tough), because it’s a reminder that your patterns are your patterns. They are IN YOUR BODY, no matter how much you work on them. They are going to come up, over and over again, until you’ve truly let them go, and even then, they may keep coming back forever, you may just get better at dealing with them.

Third of all, not only do we need to accept the repetitive nature of habits, but we also need to accept that sometimes even seeing it doesn’t make it go away. And it’s ok to be triggered and upset. But if you are willing to look and say, why am I upset right now? Where is this coming from? And perhaps not act on the upset. And perhaps not make any big decisions through this upset. Then perhaps you get to grow through each upset. And perhaps you get to be not only aware of what’s happening when it’s happening, but potentially able to direct it, so it doesn’t take you down. If it’s ok to not be ok, then we allow for the possibility of total honesty, authenticity, and power in all circumstances. 

 

Be willing to see when you are in breakdown. Be willing to be in breakdown. For a breakdown is the only way to a breakthrough. Xo

The C Word

So the other day, I locked my keys in my trunk, and had to call triple A. Even though I was a bit annoyed, and frustrated with such a stupid mistake I made, I was perfectly happy walking over to the pub to grab dinner and wait for triple A. But then, I called a friend. She didn’t answer, but texted me she would call me back soon. Triple A came, unlocked the car, but still couldn’t unlock the trunk. So I had to wait another hour and a half for the locksmith to come open the trunk. And still, I was a little frustrated, but I enjoyed sitting at the restaurant, planning out my weekend for my teacher training. By the time I got home, my friend still hadn’t called me back, and of the whole night, that was the only thing that was bothering me. So I had to ask myself, why did that bother me more than me locking my keys in my trunk? And more than triple A having to come back twice? And more than me getting home almost 3 hours later than I originally had planned? Why did that stuff hardly bother me, and yet one friend not calling me back, throw me for a loop?

 

I imagined a scenario where it wasn’t this friend, it was someone else. Would I be as bothered? Nope. It specifically was bothersome because I am really close to her. So why would that make it more bothersome, instead of less? What it comes down to, for me, is control. Because she is so close to me, it feels as if I have some control over what she does/how much she shows up for me or how she shows up for herself in her life. In a lot of ways, this is a great thing. Her and I have an incredible relationship - one where we can really hold each other accountable, both within the relationship, and for each other in our separate lives. And, generally speaking, I am grateful that I am the type of friend that will help you hold yourself accountable, and push you to be better. However, I sometimes put so much responsibility on myself to take charge in a relationship, that I start to feel like I have control over the other person. And if I feel like that, and they don’t do something I want them to do, I feel useless, not good enough, and upset (mostly with myself). 

 

So I started to look at this feeling of disappointment that I felt when my friend didn’t call me back, and comparing it to other moments in my life. Because actually, “disappointment” was sort of a disguise for feeling uncertain, not good enough, useless (or lack of control). I started to see that this feeling shows up all the time. I found various instances, recently, where I was trying to do something “right”, instead of doing it real. In relationships, sometimes I find myself doing things based on assumption of what I think they want or need, rather than what I truly need. In career, sometimes I find myself doing things that I think I should do, or what I think people want, rather than what is actually important to me. And recently, for my birthday, I found myself getting worried that I wasn’t doing anything “cool” or exciting for my birthday, rather than simply sticking with how I truly want to spend my birthday. I’ll also add that I have a terrible habit of picking at my skin, and I’ve known for some time that this habit must be emotionally related. No matter what I do with my diet, or skin care products, it doesn’t seem to change. And after this realization, I realized that the need to pick, is the same need to control. It’s like, if I can’t get what I want out there, I will control whatever I can over here. It’s like an OCD need for it to be perfect, since I know very well it’s not perfect. 

 

Phew. 

 

After letting this discovery sink in over the past couple of days, I’ll admit that today I was feeling really frustrated with it. I couldn’t get over the fact that I wanted to do things “right” or the “cool” way or in a way that other people would approve of, and I was frustrated with myself, because I know that authentically, and truthfully, that is not what I care about. I realized that part of the reason I was stuck in it, was because of an interaction I had with a woman the other day, who was basically telling me how I “should” teach something that’s very important to me. Her “should” was based on flashy moves and hype, not based on technique and honesty. Something that I don’t agree with. And yet, I felt threatened by her telling me to do it that way. In fact, I felt small - like I wouldn’t be good enough if I didn’t do it that way. 

 

So on the way to one of my classes today, I found myself a little stressed and tempted to bite my nails and pick my skin. And then I looked over at the guy in the car next to me, and he was biting his nails. And then I looked forward at the guy in front of me, and he was picking his skin. And then I kept looking at people as I drove past them, to see that almost every single person was doing something compulsive as they were driving. And I realized - we all have this need. Whether it manifests in a physical way, like biting nails, or not. We all have this need to maintain control over our lives, say, for instance, when we are stuck in uncontrollable traffic. And all of the sudden, that woman’s opinion on how I should teach, seemed irrelevant. She is going through her version of what she feels she needs to control. So the best thing I can possibly do, is teach it the way that’s authentic to me. Is continue to use my voice to teach honesty, and integrity. And to continue to value the things that are important to me, not the things that I think are important to others. 

 

CONTROL. It’s something that I am pretty good at. It is part of what makes me a good leader, teacher, and friend. And, letting go and accepting that not everyone or everything is going to go the way I want it to, even the ones I seemingly have a say in, allows me to live a little more authentically and fully. :) 

 

Learning everyday. And, looking forward to a day when picking and biting is no longer a need! 

Vulnerability is only weakness, if you believe your fears as truths

So the other day my friend was telling me about her and her ex-boyfriend, and how they are trying to become friends. We all know that is a daunting task, but I am a big believer that it is SO worth the while, if you care about them (and yourself and your healing!). Anyway, she was mentioning something that he keeps saying to her that is driving her crazy, and is hurting her. She told him to stop. When I suggested she think about his words from his point of view, and that maybe he didn’t mean them negatively, she said she felt that all the way through their relationship she was the one that was trying to understand him from his point of view, but that he never took the time to understand her.

 

So here we are in this predicament. “I do all the work, and they don’t, so I’m just gonna stop doing the work, to protect myself.” This is a super common reflex, or effort to set healthy boundaries. And, I don’t want to knock it down necessarily, because sometimes this is absolutely what you need. However, why do we feel the need to stop showing love, when the other person doesn’t give it in the same way we do? If we truly love them, it should not matter what we receive in return. And why does it feel like giving “love” with no return, is weakness? 

 

There a tons of definitions of what love is, but some common understandings of it are something like:

-love is accepting someone for all that they are, and all that they are not

-love is giving, selfless, and unconditional

-love keeps no record of wrongs, it does not boast

-etc

 

Love is not actually dependent on the other person. That being said, it doesn’t mean show up over and over for someone who isn’t showing up for you, but there is a way to walk in love, regardless of the circumstance, regardless of the other persons’ reaction, regardless of if it’s going how you want it to or not. 

 

So why do we do this? Why do we stop loving, when someone gets hurt? Or stop loving when someone isn’t giving us the commitment/time/affection/attention that we want? Or is that love at all?

 

Here are some of my thoughts:

 

Vulnerability is only a weakness, if you believe your fears as truths. 

 

Loving someone, regardless of their actions (unconditionally), is not a weakness, if you do not fear. But if you are worried they will abuse you, leave you, hurt you, manipulate you - then that very love and vulnerability, does become a weakness. It does put you out there to get hurt. 

 

In my friend’s case, she expressed that she was afraid he would never “choose” her. But if she truly knows that if he doesn’t choose her, it will be best for both of them, and that it will happen in the timeline it will happen - then she can fully trust. And she can continue to walk in love regardless of his wishy-washy-ness.

 

Often, we are afraid of someone leaving us, so we don’t want to fully put ourselves out there, because then if they leave it will be extra devastating. But what if we were simply not afraid of them leaving us. We would put ourselves out there, and even if they left, we would have an understanding of them because we love them, and chances are we would support them. And in that way, we provide the love and support to another human we care about, that is truly beautiful. 

 

Today I borrowed my friends’ pants (lol) and I had a moment where I was worried about spilling on them. Let me preface this story by saying my friend, whose pants they were, is a spill-er. Constantly dirtying things by being a (beautiful, fantastic) spazz. So I took a breath of ease knowing that, if I spilled, she would understand. And of course I was very careful ;). Silly example, but let’s think about it. Let’s equate her giving me her pants (when I gave her nothing in return), to giving someone love, or being vulnerable. She didn’t give me her pants worried about when I would return them or if I would ruin them or mad at me for taking them without giving her anything; she simply gave them away. Some might think of this as reckless, like I could take advantage of her and abuse that privilege - right? So it is vulnerable. However, her doing this is only a weakness if she believes in her fears. So in this case her fear would be something like, fear of me damaging the clothes, or not doing anything for her in return, or taking advantage of her niceness. But the thing is, my beautiful friend, does not believe those fears to be true! Yes, it’s in part because she trusts me, but I’ll venture to say, in the bigger scheme of things, it’s because she trusts herself to be ok if the pants get damaged, or to communicate to me if I start taking advantage of her and deal with it accordingly. She knows she can handle whatever repercussion comes of it. So the fear, is not a truth, it’s just a maybe thing that might happen one day. And she’s ok with it. 

 

Same thing in love. If you can see your fear, and acknowledge that a) it could happen and b) you’ll be ok if it does, that vulnerability is FREEDOM, rather than weakness. Love becomes POWER, rather than an open wound. 

 

*A reminder that love is not “do everything for someone else”, or something like that. Love is more like, accept someone and try to understand them regardless of if they are doing that for you. Love is care and support for a human, not for what that human gives to you. You can very well, love and care for someone from afar, so be careful that this “love” does not exhaust you. Love is powerful, not destructive. Love is your connection to yourself. YOU are worth it, regardless of what other people do with it. 

Voice your Choice

A few weeks ago I did an exercise called motivational interviewing, and uncovered something pretty big. I went in to the exercise focusing on the intention “being ok with things not being ok”. And came out with the realization that the reason I struggle when things aren’t going well, is not actually about the things, it’s about trusting myself to be able to handle it. 

 

I reflected on a particular situation, where a friend of mine was speaking on some heavy topics online, and I wanted to participate, but was fearful of being judged for my opinion, or perhaps my ignorance. In that particular circumstance, I did speak up, but I began to look at why that was so scary. My surface answer is something like, I don’t know enough about the topic, so I can’t really have an opinion. It feels almost like I don’t have an opinion. But as I work on myself I see that I do, it’s just something I’ve masked for so long for fear of what others will think. And in that situation, what scared me was not actually that my friend, or his friends, would judge me or think I’m ignorant (because, if they did…so what? Then what?). It was that I didn’t trust myself to have the conversation with them, and work it out. Or I didn’t trust that someone would ever listen to me, especially if he is saying something different. This is certainly because I respect him, and think he is intelligent, rightfully so - but the important part is that it comes down to not trusting myself. 

 

It comes down to not trusting my voice, or that my voice is worthy of being heard.

 

 

 

Often I hear people (especially women) something like, “no I don’t mind, really!”. Now, sometimes, these people are completely lying, and truthfully, they are holding on to it underneath, wishing and waiting for someone pay them back for everything they do. But most often - these people really do mean it! They really don’t mind doing the extra work, or doing something they didn’t want to do, or doing a favor for a friend. They are giving, nurturing, supportive people. That’s the truth. 

 

AND…

 

They also are subtly telling themselves and others, over and over again, that their opinion/needs/time are not important. It’s not a big deal to give up hours of their time for a friend, or to go to a different restaurant than they wanted. And while that’s so lovely, and is part of why they are great friends, it is also a subtle reminder that they are not as worthy of support, or the food they wanted, as someone else.

 

And perhaps a little restaurant change and favor here and there is not an issue, but what becomes an issue is when they no longer make their own decisions. It’s easier to have someone else choose the restaurant, because then if it’s bad, at least it’s not on them. It’s easier to let go of an argument and keep the peace, than to actually speak up and communicate what they need, because then if the argument goes badly, they didn’t do it. It’s easier to do nice things for people, than to actually know when to say no or when to ask for help, because then no one can say they aren’t nice.

 

So it’s the same thing: not trusting yourself to be able to handle the uncomfortable conversation, other people’s comments, or a decision that didn’t work out so well. Not trusting that your voice is important and necessary.

 

 

Communicating your needs, and making your own decisions is essential to you creating the life you want. I’m not saying don’t be flexible, or supportive, or easy-going. But just know that without speaking up about what you want, and trusting yourself to deal with whatever the repercussions are - you will never get what you want. If you don’t choose it, you won’t get it. If you don’t speak up about it, no one will ever know that’s what you needed. If you don’t ask for help, you will continually find yourself without help. Trust yourself. Know that you can handle the consequences of your choices, and voice them to your community. 

 

As you begin to uncover your truth and start to speak on it, remember that those around you will not expect it. Remember that they have been conditioned to think that you don’t need help, or that you don’t mind doing the favor. They might not understand you speaking your voice at first. But it is worth it, to undo that conditioning, and allow yourself to step up in your life. 

 

*A caveat, if you feel like you are not struggling with speaking up, perhaps check in and see if you speak up so much that you cut off those that are more passive from making their own decisions. This is a result of a very similar root, so be willing to be patient with others, and trust that you can handle it even if you don’t get to call all the shots. (As I’m writing this, I’m like oh yea- that’s me too. Hah! We can literally be on both ends of the spectrum. Be willing to see that you fit somewhere in here ;) ). 

 

You are worthy of being heard. Your opinions, time, needs, and desires matter. It’s ok to ask for what you want, as long as you take responsibility for what you are asking. Trust yourself to be able to handle the result of your decisions, so that you can speak on them. 

 

Be willing to see your truth. Trust that you can handle the outcome of that choice. Voice your choice. 

Stop Screaming, Start Listening.

So today after teaching my yoga class, the wonderful staff at the front desk were telling me about a lady who, before taking class, refused to pay for a yoga mat rental, grabbed a mat, and stormed off and in to her yoga class. The front desk employee at the time didn’t know what to do, so she let her go. When the manager got in, she was dealing with the situation, prepared to take disciplinary action when the lady got out of class. When the lady returned to the front desk, before the manager could even say anything, she teared up, told the front desk staff that she didn’t know what got in to her, or why she did that, and she deeply apologized. 

 

As the manager was telling us this story, we realized so clearly: the woman’s outburst was about whatever she was dealing with, not about a yoga mat, or the yoga studio, or the staff. It was about HER, and her upset. She just happened to take it out on yoga mats at that moment. 

 

What I think is important to look at here is the fact that the manager, disciplining her for her actions would have done no good. I mean, perhaps she would have learned her lesson not to steal yoga mats, but she wouldn’t have learned her lesson about how to interpret her own anger/upset/reactions. Luckily, in this case, she did it on her own (well, through the power of an hour of yoga, baby!). But in other cases, the manager would have had to deal with it. 

 

So what is the best course of action here? We spent about an hour talking about this, diving into related topics. And I was reminded of this:

 

Every time someone does something rude/inconsiderate/disrespectful/wrong to someone else, it is about THEIR own problems/upset/trauma. EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

 

This one is hard to remember, so let’s think about it. When someone cat calls you from their car in a super disrespectful manner, it’s about them not having power in their own lives, and needing to grab it from anything they can. When someone screams at you for cutting them off in traffic, it’s about them not taking into account the amount of time it would take them to get somewhere, and being pissed at themselves. When someone breaks up with you via text message and refuses to talk again/ignores your attempts to communicate, it is about them being too avoidant/cowardly to deal with their own feelings, and how to talk about it. (And I won’t dive in to this because I know it’s complicated, but even abuse and violence comes from the same thing - their own shit.)

 

So YES. Every. Single. Time. 

 

If every single time someone does something to disrespect you, it’s about them, how should we treat them? I mean, does yelling back at them really make a difference? I don’t know. I think yelling back at them, in a way, gets them what they want (subconsciously), which is you being affected by their upset. *Note that this is most often not on purpose nor a conscious decision. It is usually based on some lack of power in their own lives, so you responding to their upset whether in a good way or a bad way, makes them feel important.

 

What can we do then? 

 

We can be there for them. I mean, really, be there for them. Ask them if they are okay. Figure out a way to communicate to them that you are not okay with their disrespect, AND be kind and compassionate towards whatever it is they are going through. Because what happens if we get upset by their outburst, is that we go into this cycle of triggers. What I mean by triggers, is anything that causes you to react based on fear; a reaction based on a pattern developed at a young age, usually due to some sort of trauma (small or large). So, if I let myself get triggered into a fear-based reaction because of them, then they will most likely get triggered into their fear-based reaction once again, and then back to me, and so on and so forth. 

 

What would it take then, to step out of reaction, and into response? How can we respond intentionally, rather than based on some defense that we developed when we were 7 years old? We have to locate our defense. What is your go-to fear-based reaction? It might be something that has been useful in the past. For instance, mine is “baby Jessie”. Baby Jessie has been useful in the past in various facets, one of which is that I know if I cry, you will probably feel bad, and you will stop pushing me. (Oh yes, the guilt trip of all guilt trips). And that gets me out of confrontation or dealing with difficult situations. I mean, I can literally remember getting pulled over for speeding, and crying to the cop. He felt no empathy and wrote me a ticket anyway, but the point is - yep, that’s my defense. 

 

Identify your defenses (there could be more than one). Notice when you are doing it authentically (for instance, sometimes my sweet side is a little bit like baby Jessie, but it is authentic and loving), and notice when you are doing it based on fear and protection. The more clearly you can see it, the easier it is to untangle it. Then, when it comes up, look at it, question it. Ask it if it’s real, or if it’s defense. Ask it if it’s serving you. Instead of simply reacting, and getting triggered by their trigger, look to respond intentionally, thoughtfully, and peacefully. Perhaps, even considering that they must be coming from their own upset, and offer them some love. 

 

Stop screaming, start listening. Stop fighting, start accepting. Stop defending, start trusting. 

Be better BECAUSE you love yourself, not SO THAT you can love yourself.

If you don’t already know, I grew up as a competitive gymnast. As an adult, I now see that a lot of my fears/insecurities/traumas are from this period of my life, both because I was a developing child, and because gymnastics was intense. Now, I’ve known this, and I’ve been working through these fears over the last few years pretty seriously. Made a bunch of headway, to the point where I am usually not triggered into fear or self-doubt anymore. 

 

But I just noticed a new one: 

 

I won’t be loved unless I do better. 

 

Let me explain. 

 

Part of the reason I liked gymnastics so much is because it is so difficult. I was never very competitive against others, but SUPER competitive against myself, and I liked the challenge. I was put in the advanced group in gym, not because I was better than the others, but because I worked my ass off and beat myself up until I did better. I had a hard time quitting. I probably wanted to quit like 25 times before I actually did, and even then, I quit the team, but then started high school gymnastics, and then a year later went back to the team again. Ha. I don’t like to give up on being better. 

 

Maybe this is why I take to self-growth and teaching so well. I love dissecting what’s not working, and making it workable! I love breaking down concepts and movements in order to understand them and enhance them. I love finding ways to grow, so that I can show up even better than yesterday. 

 

So tonight, I had a conversation with a friend. This friend has been like my life coach. In so many ways, this relationship was incredible for me, my growth, and our love. But also, tonight it really hit me that, “life coach” sort of became new version of gymnastics coach in my mind, in that I needed to be better for her in order to be good enough for myself.

 

When I was a gymnast I felt like I was not worthy, unless my coach said good job. If I didn’t do well, I was yelled at, punished with conditioning, and made fun of, sometimes in abusive ways. So only when I did well, did I earn love (or what felt like love, in my mind). That was a learned understanding of love and worthiness. As an adult, that sunk in and became a part of me: “I’m only lovable if I DO good enough” is the underlying belief I’ve lived with. 

 

As I mentioned, I’ve spent years re-wiring this “not good enough” feeling, and working on loving myself. But in talking to my friend tonight, I realized, up until just recently, I was still seeking relationships (friendships, mentors, romance) that would push me to be better, so that I could continue to prove that I’m good enough so that I could be loved. Phew. 

 

Now, this is super subtle stuff, because I want to be clear that this wanting to be better part of me has helped me grow IMMENSELY, and I love it, and am thankful for it. And I still absolutely want relationships that help me grow. However, when my self-worth is dependent upon me being better than I already am, then I can never just be. So that’s when it gets a little tricky. 

In seeing this tonight, I realized I have already, naturally, begun to shift out of that need to prove my worth. And, now that I see it clearly, I can be sure to continue on that path. :)

 

In sharing this, I want to pass along two messages.

 

  1. Note that most of our strengths have a negative/triggered/toxic side to them. Notice the thing you do really well, and check out if there is part of you that is dependent on that thing in order to love yourself.
  2. Why is this even a bad/unhealthy thing? Well, it’s conditional. It’s “I will love myself only IF I am this way”. It is not actually love, and those conditions that we put on ourselves are a big part of our self-doubt, anger, and lack of love all around. 

 

Does that mean you love yourself if you are fat slob that sits on the couch all day? Yes. Does that mean you should be a fat slob that sits on the couch all day? Mmmm, probably not? Unless that’s you’re true calling. :-P 

 

Unconditional love doesn’t mean careless love, it just means, move from love. Know you are worthy of love. AND, push yourself to grow and be better because you love yourself, not so that you can love yourself. 

FULL Responsibility. FULL Freedom.

So often our frustrations come from life not going the way we planned or wanted or envisioned. People not acting the way we hope, jobs not turning out as magnificent as we expect, relationships ending in turmoil instead of eternal love, etc. Being responsible for your life, 100%, can entirely turn these frustrations around. 

 

Being 100% responsible for your life, can entirely turn these frustrations around. 

 

What does that really mean? Well, being responsible means not only having a say in what you do, but it also means owning your part in everything that happens to you. 

 

Last week, a friend/coworker of mine had a little mishap at our place of business. She is new to the company, and she didn’t know the exact rules, so she pushed her boundaries a bit. After this incident, both my friend and my boss called me to talk about it. My friend understood the boss’ upset; however, she also felt like she was not properly informed of the rules by her boss. My boss understood the mishap; however, she also felt like her employee was slightly making excuses for not following the rules. Now, in this situation, I saw both sides, and truly, the solution was better communication. But here’s my point: each side of the story understood the other person, AND was blaming the other person. Now, there’s some value in this “blaming” or addressing where the problem came from, and obviously, in this hierarchical situation, the boss has the final say, regardless of who’s right or wrong. However, on each side, if either person had taken full responsibility of it, it would have gone away. For example, if my friend had simply taken responsibility for not following the rules (EVEN THOUGH she wasn’t fully informed), and apologized, my boss would understand. And, if my boss had taken full responsibility for not informing her of the rules (EVEN THOUGH her employee may have been making excuses), and apologized, my friend/the employee would learn and do better. 

 

So what’s the harm? Because even as I write it, I can feel my own slight resistance to it. Why don’t we just do that, all the time? 

 

Ego.

 

Freakin ego! 

 

Our pride says, “but but but! I didn’t do anything wrong!!!!!!!” And it fights. And it gets frustrated with others, instead of 100% OWNING what it is we did or did not do. 

 

But here’s the thing. Responsibility is not blame. 

 

I know I say this like every blog post, but I’ll say it again: responsibility is NOT blame. 

 

I know that’s a really hard one to grasp, and obviously, certain definitions of it, DO say it’s blame. But go with me here. If responsibility is NOT blame, and I take responsibility, for what I did in a situation that caused a mishap, and the mishap GOES AWAY, why not do it??? Not only is this super practical for resolving literal issues, it also absolves you, the person taking responsibility, of any lingering resentment, guilt, or shame. It allows you to step up to what you did. I mean, it doesn’t have to be bad, but if you messed up the rules, you messed up the rules! Maybe they didn’t tell you, and hopefully communication can improve, but that doesn’t change the fact that you messed up the rules. Acknowledge it, without making excuses, and literally watch it disappear. 

 

I think a lot of what stops us from doing this is fear - fear of what the other person will think. Fear that they will think we’re a screw up, or we are unreliable or something. But in reality, what it does is it shows integrity, honesty, and courage. Plus, the more you take responsibility, the more you get to learn from your actions, and the more say you have in everything you do. Because no longer is it someone else’s fault for you not doing what you want to do - it’s all on you. You get ALL the say for how you show up. You get all the say for the choices you make. 

 

I’m not going to lie, it’s a tough path, in that you have to be willing to make your own choices, but it’s also incredible. You get to let go of other people’s actions, and create your own. Instead of waiting for someone else to mess up for you, just own your mess-ups. Be the powerful one. Step up and say “I apologize for doing that” with no other excuses, communicate if the roots of the problem needs to be addressed, and move forward. Even when it’s tough. Even when they are being mean. Even when they are in the wrong. Yes. Even when they are in the wrong. Your power is larger than you think. 

 

Xo

 

 

I’d love to know what you think about this concept! If you read all the way to the end, please shoot me and email or leave a comment on the site and let me know if you have thoughts, questions, feedback, or even disagreements. This concept is sometimes a hard one to communicate, but it’s a hugely free-ing one, so I want to get better at sharing it effectively. Thanks guys!

Don't do things because of other people...

[So, if you read my blog by checking your weekly email, you may have noticed you didn’t receive one last week. I had planned on writing the blog Tuesday night (as it sends out Wednesday mornings at 8 am). However, I got home Tuesday night after a neuromuscular therapy session (with @organicescape - check them out!), and it was so intense that I fell asleep, slept through all my alarms and woke up at 9 am with no blog written! Ah! My apologies for not showing up last week. Here’s what I have to share.]

 

About two weeks ago, I got a back spasm during one of my Sunday night performances. I noticed it at intermission, and it got progressively worse to the point where I had to leave my show early. If you’ve never had a back spasm, they can be pretty intense. It was located right around my rib cage, which made it difficult to breathe, or move, or do much of anything. Plus, the breath restriction adds extra stress which adds extra spasm. Uuf. 

 

Every time I am confronted with an injury, or an illness, or anything that throws me off, I look a little deeper. What did I do to create this? And no, I don’t mean things like I didn’t warm up enough, or I walked outside in the rain - although that’s important too. I mean, what is off in my energy that is causing this disturbance? This spasm was located at an all too familiar spot on the left side of my back. I’ve had spasms there many times throughout my life. It is located just behind the solar plexus, which energetically is the space of ego (solar plexus chakra, manipura). The ego, as you may know, is a person’s self-esteem or self-importance. I know this particular back spasm so well, I call that spot on my back my “not good enough” muscle, hehe. It flexes when I feel not good enough or unworthy. Now, I know it’s comical to relate these things this literally, but it’s always pretty freakin magical because then, I have the power to release it. Plus, sometimes it’s just that literal

 

So I went home from my performance and I thought, what is this about? Am I feeling not good enough? Am I worried about what people are thinking or doubting myself somewhere? And although I always feel little bits of that here and there, I was feeling particularly strong in this regard, so I knew that wasn’t it. I dug a little deeper, and I found a theme that I had come across a few times over the past few days/weeks. 

 

Don’t do things BECAUSE OF other people.

 

(Now I say “don’t” not with judgement, but with love. As in, you will feel more fulfilled, authentic, and powerful if you don’t, and I want that for you, myself, and all people. But by all means- DO what you please :D.)

 

So what does not doing things because of other people really mean? Just hours before this spasm hit me, I was having a really lovely conversation with a new friend. We were talking about how if we were to get well-known for our writing or speaking, for instance, we would have critics. We would have internet and real-life trolls who would say we are ugly, or stupid, or don’t know what we’re talking about. We would have people judge us, and be vocal about it. And in that moment I realized, part of the reason why I want to host yoga retreats, write blogs and books, speak at events, and share and teach in general, is because I also know it will test me. Just being a teacher holds me accountable for my mood, and my integrity with myself and what I’m teaching. Taking that to the next level, takes me to the next level. So if/when people critique me (or straight up sh*t talk me), I want to be able to hear them and take their feedback, AND not take it personally at the same time. I want to have the strength and wisdom to know that their harsh words are about them, and my only job is to be me. I want to not change myself because of their opinion or upset.

 

In my past, I looked at my back spasms (and other injuries) as like warning signals for what was going on inside. And I’ve had a lot of success with healing my injuries completely, by releasing what was emotionally unstable. This time, it felt a little different. I looked at this concept, this concept of not doing things because of other people, and I started to see it everywhere. But it didn’t feel like this injury was a warning sign for what I was already doing, it felt more like, a push forward to where I want to go. Like I can finally step out of the “I’m not good enough” story, and be where I am. Once I saw this, the spasm started to soften. Within a day and a half, it was gone. 

 

(4 days later, it came back strong! haha. It snuck up on me, even though I had been feeling good all week. I quickly went back to this concept, and thought, where am I doing something because of someone else? This time, I located it, shared it with a friend, and the spasm released within an hour! Pretty crazy.)

 

So let’s go back one more time - what does it mean to not do things because of other people? Does that mean don’t do things for other people? No. It means do things for other people when it’s an authentic expression of your love for them (and for yourself for that matter). But when you find yourself doing things for other people to make sure they still think you’re cool or something, that’s where we find ourselves doing it because of them, and their opinion. 

 

Some examples: 

-drinking just because everyone else is drinking

-changing who you are because your partner wants you to be something you’re not 

-doing a job because your boss will like you more

-not telling someone how you feel because they might argue with you 

-etc

 

 

Start to notice the decisions you make. Notice if they are because of someone else’s opinions or judgements. Notice if they are to “keep the peace”. Notice if they are to impress, or to fit in. If you find yourself wanting to do something for a friend or a loved one - check yourself. Notice if, even subtly, you are doing it so that they will like you more. Sometimes, just noticing it has us switch the intention! I can do the very same action for a friend, but instead of doing it so they like me, I can do it because I love and support them. If you realize you don’t actually want to do the thing (like go to an event for a friend, or something like that), check in and see if some part of you is doing it because of their opinion of you. If so, consider not going, but expressing your love for them in a way that is authentic to you. 

 

This is funny business, because I’m certainly not saying be self-centered and never show up for anyone but yourself. I’m simply saying, connect with yourself first, and express your unconditional love by authentically showing up - not for approval, appreciation, or likes - but FOR you and FOR them. In this way, we stand for true support and love. <3 

Is a mistake really a mistake?

A few days ago I was struggling with a decision. I couldn’t figure out why I was so stressed over which way to go, a or b, so I sat down to meditate. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and quickly realized that I was so afraid to make a mistake. I realized that what I really wanted to do was a, but I would completely flip when I thought of the possible negative consequence of doing so. I was so afraid that if I chose a, what I wanted to choose, it would be a mistake/it would cause something bad to happen. But here’s the thing, b was a crappy option. It didn’t sit well with me, I knew it was “safer” in terms of risk of mistake, but the “negative consequences” were a sure thing, in my mind. It felt like perhaps I just needed to trust myself, so I dug a little deeper. I asked myself, what is this business about being afraid of making a mistake? What is a mistake anyway? What makes it a mistake, versus just a decision? 

 

The answer came to me and my whole body got lighter: 

 

There is no such thing as a mistake, if you are in full responsibility. 

 

In other words, even if negative consequences occur due to my decision, if I made that decision in integrity (ie I thought about it, I knew what I was doing, and I was aware that I may not get the outcome I hope), my decision can never be a mistake, simply because I am fully responsible for it. I made the decision prepared for any outcome, and I can continue to move forward, owning my choice.

 

Now, being 100% responsible for every decision, is tough! It is so tough. That means owning even the decisions you make on the fly, or while drunk, or when upset, and they may not be the best. BUT YOU GUYS:

 

With full responsibility comes full acceptance. 

 

Full acceptance = unconditional love. Full responsibility means you get to live IN, THROUGH, and WITH love. Always. To me that's worth it...

 

A couple reminders: 

 

  1. Acceptance does not mean complacency. So for instance, this doesn’t mean just accept every consequence of everything you do, and keep doing stupid things. Lol. It means, that perhaps some decisions will lead to not so good outcomes, but rather than beating yourself up for it being a mistake, perhaps you can look at it as an opportunity to learn about how you got there, and what you can do to create a better outcome in the future (**not what someone or something else can do! Super important that you stay in full responsibility).
  2. Responsibility does not mean blame. (I’ll say that one again - responsibility does NOT mean blame). So if the negative outcome occurs, that also doesn’t mean to blame yourself for your decision. Remember, that decision was not a mistake, IF you can stay true to the fact that you made it, and you knew what might happen, and continue to own your decision and step forward. Responsibility feels powerful and energizing, albeit scary at times, so you know you’ve skipped over to blame if you feel crappy and upset about it.

 

My point: you might still make “mistakes”, according the normal use of the word. You are human, and it’s ok if every decision is not the perfect decision. However, if at each moment you are showing up to the best of your ability; if at each crossroads you are taking the time to make a decision based on logic and intuition of trusting yourself and what you think is best; if at each moment you are truly doing the best you can and taking responsibility for that: no decision will be followed by regret. When you know you’ve done everything you could, there’s nothing anyone can do to disempower you. 

 

You can begin this at any time. If you feel you have not done your best in the past, that is ok. And even if you don’t do your best tomorrow after reading this, that is ok. Just start where you are. Start taking responsibility. Start owning that it wasn’t your best, and move forward with your best. Start where you are. Start now, and then do it again tomorrow, and then do it again in a week when you’ve forgotten already. ;)

Web of Lies

Once upon a time, there was a 16 year old Jessie. She and her sister threw a party at their parent’s home. When the neighbors called the parents, Jessie and her sister did the only thing they could think to do - they lied. They made up some story about how it was just them hanging out and some stranger brought the booze. (ha). But then a funny thing happened. Because they lied about how the party started, they had to lie about the happenings of the event. So they lied to cover up the original lie. And then they lied to cover up the lie to cover up the lie. And before they knew it they were in a web of lies, too big to keep track of, and they didn’t even really make sense anyway. Well, long story short, when they walked in to the discussion with their parents, and there was a pile of jello-shot garbage (that they had clearly made themselves) on the counter, they knew they were busted. In a way though, it was a bit of a relief. Keeping up all those lies would have been tough! 

 

What do we and 16 year old Jessie have in common? Why am I even sharing this? 

 

We do this to ourselves. All the time. Since we were babies. One day, a parent or a teacher punished you for doing something bad, for instance, and you thought in that moment that you are not good enough (in some way). You decided, in fact, that you are not good enough. And as soon as you told yourself that lie, you went to work to cover up the truth. You went to work finding evidence and data that supports the lie that you are not good enough. (I use the phrase not good enough, because it is usually some form of that, but it might be useful to look at what phrases and beliefs are buried within you, specifically!). 

 

So why do we do that? And what do I really mean? Well, let’s look at an example later in life (because when you are a baby you really are not processing all of this, nor are you really responsible for it yet). Say, your boss calls you in for an assessment, gives you a couple of pieces of feedback. A few positive ones, a few “room for improvement” ones, and there’s one that sticks out. She comments on an incident where you made a bad call for the company. This bad call in particular you knew it was a bad call, and the only reason you made it was because you went out partying the night before and you hardly slept and you were not awake or prepared by the time that moment arrived. Now this piece of feedback hit you in the gut. You immediately feel guilty about it. You apologize, or make up some excuse why you made that call. You go back to your desk and you (quietly, subtly) tell yourself that you are a screw up, and you don’t deserve her support. 

 

Let’s go back to the 16 year old lie real quick. Why did Jessie and her sister lie? They lied because they knew they were going to get “in trouble”. What that means is something like getting grounded, or getting yelled at, but really its about having that terrible look of disappointment from the parents, the disapproval. So, in this adult case, it’s sort of the same thing, but in this case it’s less about your boss punishing you, and it’s more about yourself. You know that if you stay with the truth, which is that you made a bad call because you didn’t sleep enough because you were out partying the night before - then you will get in trouble with yourself. You will be mad or disappointed with yourself. You will judge and disapprove of yourself. This hurts. It hurts to have to deal with letting yourself down. So just like it was easier to blame a friend for bringing the booze, it’s much easier to blame the fact that it’s just because you are a “screw up”, than to accept that you made a mistake and repair it. If you are screw up, you are expected to, well…screw up. So at least then, no one’s disappointed. 

 

So now, you’ve told yourself this lie that you are a screw up. The next time your boss comments on your work, you have to cover for this. You have to make sure this lie still lives up, otherwise you’d have to face the disappointment. So, she says something, and you immediately look for ways to support the lie of being a screw up. It often feels like a relief, like, “oh, that’s why he said that. I shouldn’t even be working on this project anyway - see? I’m a screw up.” 

 

Now it may not be this literal, in fact, it’s probably not. However, it is happening all the time. We rationalize our lies so that we can “feel better”, but really all that does is get us further and further into the web of lies. 

 

Notice what you are telling yourself. Like, deeply, what do you believe about yourself? And how do you support that? Do you secretly just wait for the casting director or choreographer to say “thank you” instead of “please stay”? Do you subtly want your partner to leave you to support your belief that no one sticks around for you? Do you, deep down, wait for someone to insult you so you can prove to them that they are wrong? These are all cover ups for our lies. These are all ways in which we look to fuel the lie that is protecting us from truly showing up for ourselves. From truly taking responsibility for our lives and being ok with the repercussions. Fully. Good or bad. 

 

As always - this is extremely subtle. So if you’re still reading and thinking, “what? No! I don’t do that! I would never do that!” Look again. Dig deeper. Stop feeding your BS. Step into your power. 

You Spot It, You Got It

Over the last week or so, multiple friends have come to me seeking advice and guidance on how to deal with a discussion/issue/argument that they are having with a loved one. And, in seeing it back to back in multiple different scenarios, I was reminded of something so incredibly important: what you are upset about, is what you are doing. Always. (As an adult, at least.) And the main reason we don’t see it that way, besides the fact that we are blinded by emotion, is that people have different manifestations of the same struggles. 

 

Let’s break this down. For one friend of mine, her defense or go-to when things get tough in a relationship is to push the other person away, or to run, and it manifests in ways like blocking them, avoiding their calls, not answering, etc. And actually, now that I’m writing this, this was a theme in each of the women I talked to this week. They were all trying to avoid the situation by busy-ing themselves, distracting from the pain, and not talking to the person. In the first case, it was extra clear because the man in her relationship has the same defense. So he literally sees her avoiding, and what he does to cope with it - is avoid her. And then she gets mad for him avoiding her, and she distracts herself and avoids him. Kudos to them for not letting that go too far, but….it’s a pretty silly cycle. In the other cases is not that obvious, but it’s the same thing. They distract and busy themselves in order to not confront the pain of the conversation or relationship, and their main complaint is that the other person doesn’t see or hear them. But by not showing up to the conversation, they are clearly not seeing or hearing the other person. What you see is what you do. 

 

Now the thing is, this can look very different. For example, another friend of mine felt like he was really showing up for his relationship. He was taking initiative in having the uncomfortable conversations, and being there for her. And I commend that, I think that’s super important and necessary. However, he was upset with her for not showing up for him. She was doing the avoiding thing, and I’ll agree, it seemed she was not there for him. But here’s the thing, in the conversations they were having, he was showing up to get her to see something. He was showing up to prove to her that she could take the next step in this relationship, and help her grow. And while I agree, personally, with what he was saying, and I believe in his desire to do the best thing for the relationship - he was also not showing up for her and what she needed in that moment. She needed not to be pushed, but to be listened to. 

 

In almost every argument, the complaint is that the other person is not listening. And almost every argument, that can be solved by….guess what….listening. If I blame you for not listening, what are the chances that I’m really listening to you? Really truly, where you are. Even if I’m “right”, even if I’m being more loving than you, or showing up more than you, or less emotionally destructive than you, am I actually doing what I ask of you? 

 

I sat in on an argument between brother and sister, and I think that was probably the most clear. There were plenty of dynamics in the conversation, and lots of different subjects were covered, but because I was just sitting there on the outside, it was so clear that this was the basis of the conversation: she was blaming him for her pain and he was blaming her for his pain. And then, because of that, he was blaming her for blaming him, and she was blaming him for blaming her, both claiming that the other one doesn’t listen. It was like, what he said triggered her and then her reaction triggered him and so on and so forth. Over and over and over and over until someone can’t take it anymore and the conversation is over. 

 

What if we stopped blaming the other person for our upset? What if we, instead, did what we wanted done to us. You remember that saying when you were a kid, “treat others the way you’d like to be treated”? Now’s your chance. 

 

 

Now if you are in a situation like this right now, or thinking about something you’ve gone through in the past, I bet not blaming them for something hurtful is really tough. I bet that feels vulnerable and icky. I bet that feels like not a smart move, like you can’t let them off the hook. But here’s the thing - try on not blaming them, and taking responsibility for what you are doing. Try it on. And really look at it. In the brother sister example, they both hurt each other so much. It can feel uneven when you’re personally hurt, and because in this case he shows his hurt in a different way than she does, it’s hard to see that it’s all hurt- but it is. But if he can take responsibility for hurting her, he will see that she is human and was just doing the same thing he was. (And often this will have her want to do the same, or visa versa.) In my mind, this is less about forgiveness, and more about responsibility. If you can see that you are doing it, you get to own that, and you almost automatically forgive them because you’ve realized you’re doing it too. 

 

*A caveat - for some of you, you might be stuck in blaming yourself for everything. This is just a trick of the mind that makes you feel helpless. I’d encourage the same process - look at what is upsetting you. What is the other person doing, that hurts you? And then take responsibility for what you are doing to them.

 

We could talk about this for days, going into details of all the ways this can happen (and you know, call me if you want to, because I love talking about it! lol), but remember that it really can be that simple. What you are upset about, is what you are doing. What you are seeing in another person, is what you see in yourself. The anger, blame, and hurt comes from the self. And rather than letting that defeat you, let it empower you. That means YOU, and you alone, have the power to transform any relationship, any argument, any circumstance into love and freedom. You have the power to create an opportunity for connection even in the yuckiest of circumstances. And I bet, doing that will make it easier to see when it’s time to walk away, for instance. It will make it easier to see your truth, when it’s not clouded with upset and hurt. 

 

You spot it, you got it. Check yourself. LOVE yourself. :)