DAY NINETEEN! 30 Days of Empowering Choice

Good morning :)

So yesterday after my email, I went to yoga, I taught a yoga class, I had a lovely meet up with a friend, and then I was on the phone with a friend and she was like “you ok?” And all of the sudden I realized I was a little off. I had such a beautiful day, and yet I was exhibiting all this nervous behavior like biting my nails, and not breathing fully. I checked in, and I didn’t feel nervous, but what was going on? 

Upon a little investigation, I realized I was anticipating an upcoming event. I still felt like I was fine, not worried. But with a little more investigation, I realized that I was not actually being honest with myself about my expectations and my authentic desire in regards to that event. I was clinging to (subtly, subconsciously) a previous me. A version of myself that would have needed approval, and emotional comfort. That habit just jumped back in. And ultimately, of course this was rooted in fear of not being good enough again. Now there’s more to the story, but here’s what I want to get to - I didn’t see it. I mean, I was teaching a class earlier that day, and I definitely had a moment of realizing, hmm, something is off about my energy towards this event, but I didn’t know what it was. And I kept, subtly, covering it up and telling myself it was fine. Perhaps because I’m doing this work so frequently, when my friend said “you ok?” I was like - now’s my chance to figure it out! haha. But still, even with all this work - I did NOT see it! 

And do you know how long it took me to get to the other side? An hour and a half. An hour and a half of her saying, “what do you want?” and me, giggling but frustrated, saying, “I don’t know!!!! I can’t see it!”

In Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, she talks about the concept that she got from Pixar, and from her experience: you can’t skip act 2. (You know, the part of the story where the character has a break down, and we don’t know how they’ll get out of it). The part of your story where something hits you, perhaps you see something, you’re reckoning with your authentic emotions and thoughts, but you just don’t know how you’ll get out of it. You just can’t see the light. 

This is essential. All the time. For everyone. No matter how much experience with this you have. No matter how many times you’ve done it. There’s always that moment (or days or weeks or months) where you just can’t see how you’ll get clear, how you’ll come out of the darkness. 

But then you do. Act 3 arrives. But you can’t skip the yucky part to get to the happy ending. 

For me, yesterday, it came like a golden ticket, as it arrived I literally screamed out “woohoo!” because I was free. I realized I was expecting something out of fear, and that’s not what I actually wanted, and all of the sudden I was free to actually be excited about the event. 

Keep going. When you think you’ve hit a dead end, or you feel stuck, keep going. Have faith. Act 3 will come. 

With love,