I hope you enjoyed week one! All that stuff we did last week is my favorite part. Sometimes it can feel kind of negative (so I have to be careful not to live in the land of looking for my fears and weaknesses haha), but it’s also really exciting to see the things that hold us back! Even if they still are!
As we enter into week 2, where we will get a little bit more into how to be proactive and create a life based on faith, I’ll share a little bit about what I've been discovering. As I shared earlier last week, my biggest fear/mental block is always fear of being “not good enough”. From my days as a competitive gymnast, to relationships, to dance - not being good enough is not okay with me, and it is often quite dark, looming in the background. So because of that, I often find this sneaky little voice in the back of my head, waiting for someone to validate me, whether it’s after I perform, or in a relationship when I’m feeling down, or even when I share a story with a friend I respect, I’m subtly waiting for their reassurance.
Now, over the past few years, this voice has become less and less significant, and I’ve been growing tremendously! This last week, I got to a whole new layer. I released so much of this need for validation, that in my usual interactions, I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. At my dance shows I’d be like secretly waiting for praise, and in interacting with men and people I look up to, I’d be needing them to reassure me…and all of the sudden, that was gone. And it was so extreme I didn’t know how to hold myself, how to sit, how to interact; and what’s more is there was almost this feeling of dullness, or boringness. Being not good enough has been like my M-O for so long, that I was like… what do I do now? I found myself almost searching for ways to again not be good enough, so again I could live in that fear.
You guys, our fears are like our past times. They (often, not always) become a part of who we are. *Now, I will touch on the fact that I am so thankful for my fear of not being good enough, because this is the inspiration behind my determination in life, and it has gotten me far. So it’s not all bad.* But my attachment to the thrill of always being in fear, was like our need to watch trashy television. It’s exciting. It’s interesting. And to go one step further, both our fears and trashy television (lol) give us an excuse not to fully show up for ourselves. Not to fully dive in and be present with what we are doing.
So what are you willing to let go of? You might not see it yet, but this attachment is tricky, and can be dangerous. And let’s be honest, you might never be totally free from it - but let me tell you - each step is a little taste of freedom! This week, I feel more calm and more powerful than ever. I no longer have to spend my time searching for validation. Think of all the things I can accomplish now! haha :-P.
Happy week 2. As always, reach out with questions, comments, feedback. I’d love to hear where you’re at.
Thanks for being there.