So for the last few weeks I’ve felt kind of dull, lethargic. It’s subtle, and I’ve been doing all my normal stuff, but in the background of everything was a slight dull-ness. Waking up has been incredibly difficult. It’s like my sheets were 1000 lbs and I couldn’t muster up the strength to move them. I’ve been getting mad at myself for not waking up and being productive, and repeating the cycle over and over again. I’ve been feeling unproductive (despite working all the time), and simultaneously exhausted. Besides a personal yoga session here and there, the only real time I end up taking for myself is on days when I get home and I’m too exhausted to think, so I turn on Netflix, pour a glass of rosé, and order take out. After doing that I don’t wake up rejuvenated, but instead, I wake up feely guilt for not doing enough.
Being the pretty self-aware human that I am, I’ve noticed this. I’ve been mostly pretty rational about it, “Ok Jessie, if you go to bed earlier, you can wake up earlier and not be so mad at yourself.’ Or, I remind myself I completed all my to-dos each day, so that I don’t stress about what I haven’t done. Etc. And yet, the feeling was still there.
Monday it came to a T. I woke up at 8 am naturally, smiling, but then when I realized I’d have to get up and face my day, I went back to sleep. I knew I didn’t need to or want to, and yet I did. When I finally got up, I had severe menstrual cramps, so I laid on the couch, casually reading for a while. By 11 am, I was ready to walk my dog and step outside, and yet I was still feeling very down. I went home, meditated, lit some sage, had some food, and planned out my week. I then had a meeting with a lovely women who reminded me of why I love what I do, and how much passion I have for it. So much so that when I left I felt even more guilt for not doing more of what I love to do. If I love this so much, why am I waking up everyday dragging my feet? What’s stopping me? Why do I feel like I’m not enough, everywhere I look right now?
I called a friend, and a moment after she asked “how are you doing?” I was in tears. I didn’t even know why yet, but I knew I was fed up and frustrated. I realized that I have been so consumed with being better, doing better, being more successful, being more powerful, etc etc, that I’ve forgotten to acknowledge myself now. I’ve forgotten how far I’ve come!
Now, not literally. Literally, in my rational brain, I’m aware of how much I’ve grown. I honor myself, and I know I’m worthy and powerful. But subtly, that not-good-enough mentality snuck in there, and was infesting everything I was doing.
I’m here today to remind you it’s ok to be human. I had a friend and student say to me the other day, “but your blogs are always so put together!” after I told her that I struggle with the same things she was worried about, everyday. It’s hard, for me too, to remember that people don’t often show their humanity. I mean, you see the vulnerable posts on instagram, and your close friends might cry to you from time to time, but you don’t really see the scope of emotions and struggles every person goes through everyday. And that’s ok. Not everyone is going to show it (and not everyone is even aware it’s happening to them). But it’s important to remember that it IS happening. You are not alone. And in fact, if you can even see that you are going through something, you are ahead of the rest, because through awareness, change is possible.
This week, I am working on loving my shadows. I am working on not beating myself up for making mistakes, and on cultivating my love for what I do. I am working on getting out of the feeling of “I should be better”, and into the feeling of, “I do better because I am better.” I love myself, and I actively work on maintaining that love everyday, even (or perhaps, especially) when it doesn’t come easily.
Thank you for reading, for looking at yourselves, and for allowing me to be human. Embrace yourself in all your glory - the happiness, the upset, the productivity, the mess, the downfall, the rise, the full essence of you. Xo