I did a bad thing.

I did a bad thing.

I did a very bad thing.
A thing that
I have never admitted to myself that I wanted to do.
A thing that
When I noticed it in the past,
I explained it away.
I wrote it off.
I dodged it so I didn’t have to see how sneaky and dark and yucky my true desires were.

But then,
One day,
A few weeks ago,
I let this desire pull me.
I followed it.
The whole time I was following it,
My mind was saying “what are you doing Jessie?”
But my body was saying,
YES.
This is RIGHT.

And I had a judgment of it.
I thought,
Oh god that must be my trauma.
That must be because I’m so broken,
That I’m drawn to shitty circumstances.

But I kept following.
Listening.
Opening.

I listened past the judgment I had about myself.
And past the judgment I heard from others,
Or what I could imagine them thinking and feeling.
Past the supposed immorality of this bad thing.
And I opened.

And in it I found
That these desires
Were not bad at all.
In the dark,
I saw my deepest light.
I saw my deepest truth.
I saw this hidden part of myself that was so beautiful, and sweet, and magical.

I have been hiding it in the dark.

I have been hiding it in the dark,
Because I thought it was bad.

All this time,
I thought that our shadows were about actual evil.
But maybe,
Just maybe,
Our shadows are our deepest light.
Our deepest heart.
Our deepest knowings.

And perhaps,
“Real evil”
Is only in the hiding.
The covering.
The pretending.
The twisting of truth,
So as not to see this depth.

🖤

📷: @jamesxwolfe