I'm so deeply satisfied.

I am so deeply satisfied.

I am more satisfied than I think I’ve ever been.

For so long, pleasure was the thing that came after pain.

Pleasure came from hard work.

I would take a dip in the hot tub, or get a massage, or eat a really delicious meal and it was so good because I was SO DEPRIVED that by the time I finally got it I would just collapse into it.

Falling asleep during massages after weeks of beating up my body was common.

Big greasy fatty sugary drunken meals after working all day and not eating was deserved.

Super hot casual sex after months of disengaging was spicy and exciting.

A big dance performance or video after weeks of not dancing was righteous and accomplished.

Since I’ve been eating more, I’ve realized my starvation pattern.

But what I’m really starting to see now, is it actually wasn’t about the starvation.

It was a starvation - binge pattern.

It was a deprive yourself now so you can feel really good later.

And it wasn’t literal, at least not in the last decade or so.

I wasn’t telling myself not to eat so that I can pig out later.

I wasn’t counting calories.

But do you know how fucking delicious that giant meal at the end of the day was????

So I got hooked.

I got hooked on how amazing things tasted and felt after deprivation.

And because I got hooked on only feeding when I was starving, I also got hooked on starving.

Pain was an indicator that pleasure was coming.

Whether it was savasana at the end of yoga, the reward of feeling accomplished, or - the big one for me - the indulgence of the collapse. 

The letting go, after not being allowed to all day long.

My proverbial carrot that I was forever chasing.

So today,

I got a massage, I dipped in the hot tub, I’m sitting in the sun eating an açaí bowl,

And you know what feels so satisfying about it?

That I am me.

That my body is filled out.

That I am not collapsed, but full.

That I have energy, but am soft and open.

For the last few months, things have actually been feeling LESS satisfying.

Less enjoyable, because they are not a reaction to deprivation.

I’ve been sitting in a relatively dull space for a while.

But now,

Slowly,

A full sense of satisfaction is emerging.

A kind of satisfaction that doesn’t feed off the pain.

That doesn’t encourage collapse to reach climax.

A kind of satisfaction that comes from being.

From being and feeding only because of being.

In January I began purposely eating more and I named my mission GET FULL.

And I think I have finally hit just the tip of actually being full.

But not just full with food…

Full with love, with connection, with service, with clarity, with touch, with space, with nature, with music, with movement.

And now,

All there is to do,

Is to get more and more full.