I've never been afraid of swimming in the ocean...

I’ve been swimming the ocean since I was little.

And not just calm warm waters.

The fairly rough, cold waters off the coast of California.

I spent summers swimming in Orange County with my sister, and would always be the first one to strip down and run into the freezing waves up in Half Moon Bay.

I’ve never been afraid of it.
I would giggle when friends would freak out for seeing a fish, or getting tossed in the waves.
I loved it.

But there was always something protecting me.
A lifeguard.
A parent watching on the shore.
A ton of people in the water, bound to help me if a shark was eating me 😂.

I always had something for my mind to hold on to, so I didn’t have to open to the vastness of what it is to be in the open waters.

So here I am in this small town in Mexico, where on any given day, even now in the high season, there are maybe 3 people on the beach.

And the waves get big.
And the ground gets rocky.
And there are no lifeguards.
And the waves break soooo far out that to really get your whole body in you have to walk out for a whillleeee.
And it is quite obvious there are lots of creatures in there - as evident by the pelicans diving for food right beside you, the fisherman pulling out giant fish, the cemetery of dead creatures on the shore, and the story your friend told you about seeing a shark right in front of them.

And I’m terrified.
There is no hiding that danger lives inside these waters.
Mystery.
Power completely outside of my control.

At first when I got here I wouldn’t go all the way in because it was sooo rocky you really couldn’t walk past knee deep. So I’d just kneel down and bathe.
But then as the sand swept over the rocks, and I watched as visitors ran into the waters, I noticed - I’m still not going in.
I would walk out, and freeze, about waste deep.
No way can I get out past the break.
I would look around - completely surrounded by water, wondering what was swimming nearby or if there were rocks I could be swept into.
I would look back at Dojo on the beach, who felt so far away, worried I wouldn’t come back.

-

Lately,
I’m navigating a shift in my business.

It’s a tangible, structural shift -
But more than that, it’s an energetic one.
It’s one that is asking me to fully back myself.
To fully trust in what it is that I do.
In the transformation that is possible when I let the energy lead.

Last week, when my friend @benjamin_wobbles was here visiting, she pulled some cards for me. And the cards were all about the waters. Her very clear message from my guides were “just get in the water and it will all make sense. It’s time to stop looking at the waves, and get in.”

Today,
I went in.
At sunset.
It was stunning.
I held myself through the fear, which was still very much there.
When I walked back and quite literally bumped into what I think was a spotted eagle ray (?!) I squealed in fear and calmly took myself back to the sand, my legs vibrating.

And I stood looking back at the ocean.
And the message came loud and clear.

What I’m afraid of in the ocean, I’m afraid of in myself.
With the ocean, the presence of other people (a lifeguard, other swimmers, etc) always gave me this (somewhat false) sense of safety.
If they’re doing it I can do it.
A way out of the full ownership of choosing to enter into this massive unknown.

With my work, the presence of authority (yoga studios, certifications, other people’s techniques, etc) has always given me a sense of permission.
If they’re doing it I can do it.
A way out of the full ownership of choosing to facilitate the infinite nature of soul work.
A way to outsource my knowing, and put it on a technique.
If Doctor so-and-so says it’s okay, that means it must be right.

And so I’m at this spot where
Those labels no longer fit what I do…
But I’m still holding on to them as explanations for my success.
I’m still using my trainings as a fall back, when someone doesn’t quite get it.
I spit out some somatic experiencing jargon…
It makes me more credible.
It makes it easier for someone to trust me, when an authority has backed it.

But really
That’s all just bullshit code for me not trusting myself inside of the deep unknown that is this work.

And part of this shift is stepping out of needing to pitch myself, or make myself credible, at all.
You either feel it, or you don’t.
No leveraging my certifications, or manipulating you with my knowledge.

This is so much deeper than that.

It’s a swim in the ocean.
Alone.
With the all it’s creatures and darkness and immense power.

I’m still terrified.
But
It’s time.

You coming?

🌊

-

New 1:1 offering coming soon. DM if you know you want in. Come with your full desire.